Saturday, August 13, 2005
I'll Have a Hot Christmas
Ahead of the curve--way, way ahead...
Saw this one the other day returning from work. Two houses up the street my neighbor is perched atop a tipsy ladder stapling his Christmas lights to his house. In the front yard Santa and Frosty the Snowman are slowly inflating. Frosty is halfway done so he’s leaned over to the side as if melting in the heat. I quickly check my Casio to see if somehow four months has magically elapsed since I started my commute home. Strange crap like that happens all the time, they just never tell you about it. Just ask Rod Serling.
Nope, it’s still August. So now I’m, like, confused. My neighbor turns (oh yes, Virginia—he’s wearing the traditional red felt hat with the puffball on the end) to wave vigorously at me. I hold my palms up in the air and shrug my shoulders, making the universal symbol for, “Do you know the number to our HOA?” He shouts something incoherent about “Reality TV and Being Bobby Brown.”
An assortment of wreaths, children, and empty Michelob bottles decorate the front porch. “No really,” I inquire, “What are you doing? It’s summer, man.” He raises his staple gun in the air like Excalibur and shouts, “woop Woop WOOP!”
That night, standing in front of his blinding display I wonder what kind of job-related stress makes a man commit Christmas right smack in the middle of summer. Sure, I can see it maybe if you go by “Crazy Larry” and you own a waterbed store.
“It’s Crrrraaaazy Laaaaary’s Christmas in July sale--this weekend only! Stop by today for insane holiday prices on all of our latest full-motion and waveless sleep systems by Serta Aquapedic and Sloshy Slumber. Get an extra twenty percent discount on heaters and liners. I’m totally dain bramaged! Green beer for the Kids! Saturday we dye Easter eggs! I’M TOTALLY FRIGGIN’ CRAZY, Y’ALL! We also have a fine selection of spas and pool tables.”
Poor bastard doesn’t even know those inflatable lawn ornaments are *so* 2003—It’s all about the icicle lights now...
Saw this one the other day returning from work. Two houses up the street my neighbor is perched atop a tipsy ladder stapling his Christmas lights to his house. In the front yard Santa and Frosty the Snowman are slowly inflating. Frosty is halfway done so he’s leaned over to the side as if melting in the heat. I quickly check my Casio to see if somehow four months has magically elapsed since I started my commute home. Strange crap like that happens all the time, they just never tell you about it. Just ask Rod Serling.
Nope, it’s still August. So now I’m, like, confused. My neighbor turns (oh yes, Virginia—he’s wearing the traditional red felt hat with the puffball on the end) to wave vigorously at me. I hold my palms up in the air and shrug my shoulders, making the universal symbol for, “Do you know the number to our HOA?” He shouts something incoherent about “Reality TV and Being Bobby Brown.”
An assortment of wreaths, children, and empty Michelob bottles decorate the front porch. “No really,” I inquire, “What are you doing? It’s summer, man.” He raises his staple gun in the air like Excalibur and shouts, “woop Woop WOOP!”
That night, standing in front of his blinding display I wonder what kind of job-related stress makes a man commit Christmas right smack in the middle of summer. Sure, I can see it maybe if you go by “Crazy Larry” and you own a waterbed store.
“It’s Crrrraaaazy Laaaaary’s Christmas in July sale--this weekend only! Stop by today for insane holiday prices on all of our latest full-motion and waveless sleep systems by Serta Aquapedic and Sloshy Slumber. Get an extra twenty percent discount on heaters and liners. I’m totally dain bramaged! Green beer for the Kids! Saturday we dye Easter eggs! I’M TOTALLY FRIGGIN’ CRAZY, Y’ALL! We also have a fine selection of spas and pool tables.”
Poor bastard doesn’t even know those inflatable lawn ornaments are *so* 2003—It’s all about the icicle lights now...
