Sunday, October 09, 2005
Ring of Fire
Let me begin by saying that this is not funny at all. In the same sense that accidentally mistaking butter for cheese and eating it and having severe cramping etc. is also not funny.
I was awakened from a delightful nap this afternoon to the sound of my wife screaming, “Help me, help me!” from the master bath. Naturally, my first reaction was, “what part of *nap* do you not understand?” But that was fleeting, and I soon regained my mental composure once I understood there was an actual emergency. To be fair, I have been awakened from some delightful naps to be consulted on whether these curtains or those curtains would look better over the sink, or to observe that the dog appears to be watching television.
So let me back up a minute. My wife has a painful rash on her forehead—so painful that she’s been prescribed vicatin for it. The pain is so bad it can kick off a migraine headache, which doesn’t really help much. My parents have been coming by all week with ready to heat-up meals and sympathy cards etc. because they are very thoughtful and helpful like that.
Okay, back to the bathroom. I’m standing over her, still groggy from sleep and her entire head is in the sink and she’s scrubbing it vigorously with a soggy towel. This is not normal behavior for her, so I ask what’s up.
“My face is on FIRE! It hurts it hurts it huuuuurrrrts!”
Apparently, while I was asleep my mom came by with an “ointment” that they use at home for arthritis pain. A rash is not arthritis, but I let that one go. The miracle drug Dr. Mom prescribed is called Capzasin HP and it’s a high potency doctor-recommended formula for arthritis pain relief. It’s supposed to deaden the nerves that cause pain. I gathered this from reading the front of the red box head-in-the-sink handed me.
I burst into action—which for me means hopping from one foot to the other and saying, “What do you want me to do?”
“Read the box you idiot! What does it say? Read or die!”
I read, “Use only as directed. Massage into painful area until thoroughly absorbed. Avoid contact with eye or mucous membranes (yuck). Do not apply to broken or irritated skin. A transient burning sensation may occur upon application but generally disappears within several days...”
“Shit!”
The cleansing ritual that followed was prolonged, painful, and peppered with colorful swear words. I could have warned her, had I been awake, that anytime mom comes at you with any kind of medical help--it’s going to hurt plenty. I have too much Bactine “now, this might sting a little” experience to sit still for that. But she was caught totally off-guard. By the end of it we were both laughing, and it appears no permanent damage was done.
What have we learned from all this? Don’t put strange shit on your face. Arthritis is not a rash. And, never trust your parents—they’re trying to kill you and make it look like an accident.
Also, don’t eat butter on crackers, no matter how much it may look like cheese.
I was awakened from a delightful nap this afternoon to the sound of my wife screaming, “Help me, help me!” from the master bath. Naturally, my first reaction was, “what part of *nap* do you not understand?” But that was fleeting, and I soon regained my mental composure once I understood there was an actual emergency. To be fair, I have been awakened from some delightful naps to be consulted on whether these curtains or those curtains would look better over the sink, or to observe that the dog appears to be watching television.
So let me back up a minute. My wife has a painful rash on her forehead—so painful that she’s been prescribed vicatin for it. The pain is so bad it can kick off a migraine headache, which doesn’t really help much. My parents have been coming by all week with ready to heat-up meals and sympathy cards etc. because they are very thoughtful and helpful like that.
Okay, back to the bathroom. I’m standing over her, still groggy from sleep and her entire head is in the sink and she’s scrubbing it vigorously with a soggy towel. This is not normal behavior for her, so I ask what’s up.
“My face is on FIRE! It hurts it hurts it huuuuurrrrts!”
Apparently, while I was asleep my mom came by with an “ointment” that they use at home for arthritis pain. A rash is not arthritis, but I let that one go. The miracle drug Dr. Mom prescribed is called Capzasin HP and it’s a high potency doctor-recommended formula for arthritis pain relief. It’s supposed to deaden the nerves that cause pain. I gathered this from reading the front of the red box head-in-the-sink handed me.
I burst into action—which for me means hopping from one foot to the other and saying, “What do you want me to do?”
“Read the box you idiot! What does it say? Read or die!”
I read, “Use only as directed. Massage into painful area until thoroughly absorbed. Avoid contact with eye or mucous membranes (yuck). Do not apply to broken or irritated skin. A transient burning sensation may occur upon application but generally disappears within several days...”
“Shit!”
The cleansing ritual that followed was prolonged, painful, and peppered with colorful swear words. I could have warned her, had I been awake, that anytime mom comes at you with any kind of medical help--it’s going to hurt plenty. I have too much Bactine “now, this might sting a little” experience to sit still for that. But she was caught totally off-guard. By the end of it we were both laughing, and it appears no permanent damage was done.
What have we learned from all this? Don’t put strange shit on your face. Arthritis is not a rash. And, never trust your parents—they’re trying to kill you and make it look like an accident.
Also, don’t eat butter on crackers, no matter how much it may look like cheese.
Burger King Claims Fourth Victim
Armed and delicious...
AP - Just when Americans thought they were safe—a new rash of fast food mascot crime appears to be sweeping the nation. With the Hamburglar behind bars, many people relaxed their vigilance and are unwittingly putting themselves in jeopardy. Four suspected victims of the “Whopper Killer” have been discovered so far, and there is a girl missing in Aruba.
His majesty breaks into homes early in the morning and attacks his victims in bed. Reports describe the suspect as a vaguely homoerotic Caucasian king about 5’ 10” (over six foot with crown) with brown hair and beard. On at least one occasion he was seen trying to gain access through an unlocked bedroom window.
If you smell an unexplained odor of french fries, or you suspect there is a mascot stalking you, get to a safe, well-lit area immediately and dial 911.
AP - Just when Americans thought they were safe—a new rash of fast food mascot crime appears to be sweeping the nation. With the Hamburglar behind bars, many people relaxed their vigilance and are unwittingly putting themselves in jeopardy. Four suspected victims of the “Whopper Killer” have been discovered so far, and there is a girl missing in Aruba.
His majesty breaks into homes early in the morning and attacks his victims in bed. Reports describe the suspect as a vaguely homoerotic Caucasian king about 5’ 10” (over six foot with crown) with brown hair and beard. On at least one occasion he was seen trying to gain access through an unlocked bedroom window.
If you smell an unexplained odor of french fries, or you suspect there is a mascot stalking you, get to a safe, well-lit area immediately and dial 911.
