Sunday, February 20, 2005
Anyone Have a Stamp I Can Borrow in 40 Years?
I received a letter in the mail today, from me. A much older me.
It was postmarked to arrive on my 16th birthday, but there was a scribbled sticky note attached from the USPS that reads, “Delayed delivery, insufficient postage. January 1985” I opened it carefully.
Dear Oz,
Surprise! I am you--at age, well...really old. Best wishes from the future. I’ve invested what remains of our available cash in time-travel delivery of this letter—I hope it finds you well. It’s prohibitively expensive to use this technology, but if you follow my advice exactly, I’ll be wealthy enough to send you additional messages to arrive each year with further information/advice.
Being the future you, I thought I could share some tips that you may find very helpful on this, the occasion of your 16th birthday. I know you were (are) disappointed that you did not find a car with a ginormous bow on it in the driveway this morning. Fortunately for you, this letter will prove to be far more valuable if you carefully heed my advice. Remember, I have my (your) best interests at heart.
Your High School Years:
Don’t try to grow your hair long. It just isn’t a good look for you. Do not date anyone named Angie, Jenny, or Sarah. Especially not Sarah.
Do not try to squat 450 pounds next year.
Change your major several times and try to extend your undergrad to 6-7 years. Do not mix wine and tequila. Avoid rooming with anyone named Vlad or Eric. Your junior year—don’t worry; it’s just a strange mole.
Travel/Safety:
Don’t fly—Pan Am flight 103, or TWA flight 800.
No air travel, and steer clear of New York in September of 2001.
Avoid Space Shuttles Challenger or Discovery. (I realize there's not much risk here but by now if all is going according to plan you're a world-famous prophet and visionary, so anything is possible)
Miscellaneous:
By stock in anything related to technology in the late 1990’s. Seriously, anything will do.
Sell you’re your entire stock portfolio in early 2000. This will *seem* like bad advice—But trust me, sell it all.
In a few years you're going to hear about a product called Rogaine—go ahead and start with that right away.
Do not pay money to see any of the following movies: Showgirls, Roadhouse, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, The Stuff, SuperFuzz, Cannonball Run II, White Nights, Cobra, Weekend at Bernie’s, Lambada: The Forbidden Dance, Tron, Highlander 2, Xanadu, Zapped! or Zapped Again.
Whew--That should get us started! Have fun, make us some money, and I’ll hopefully send you another letter next year in 1986.
Best wishes,
Me (you!)
P.S. By the way--Michael Jackson is a pedophile, you will never be beaten at air hockey, O.J. Simpson is going to kill a couple of people but will beat the rap, absolutely nothing happens at the millennium changeover, forget about flying cars (that never happens), and your soulmate will be waiting tables at a pizza place on Arapahoe Rd. in two years. Look for the pony-tail and the cute ass. She’s a sucker for a good dirty joke…
It was postmarked to arrive on my 16th birthday, but there was a scribbled sticky note attached from the USPS that reads, “Delayed delivery, insufficient postage. January 1985” I opened it carefully.
Dear Oz,
Surprise! I am you--at age, well...really old. Best wishes from the future. I’ve invested what remains of our available cash in time-travel delivery of this letter—I hope it finds you well. It’s prohibitively expensive to use this technology, but if you follow my advice exactly, I’ll be wealthy enough to send you additional messages to arrive each year with further information/advice.
Being the future you, I thought I could share some tips that you may find very helpful on this, the occasion of your 16th birthday. I know you were (are) disappointed that you did not find a car with a ginormous bow on it in the driveway this morning. Fortunately for you, this letter will prove to be far more valuable if you carefully heed my advice. Remember, I have my (your) best interests at heart.
Your High School Years:
Don’t try to grow your hair long. It just isn’t a good look for you. Do not date anyone named Angie, Jenny, or Sarah. Especially not Sarah.
Do not try to squat 450 pounds next year.
Relax; reliable drug testing will not be available for years.
Don't attempt "break dancing."
Wear your seatbelt at all times; you’re going to be hitting some stuff.
MOST IMPORTANT...Take all your money and buy stock in companies called “Microsoft” “Wal-Mart” or “Starbucks.” Cut lawns, take out a loan, sell your body—it doesn’t matter. Just get the money.
Your College Years:
It doesn’t matter what you major in or what grades you get. Go for something fun like Psychology.
Change your major several times and try to extend your undergrad to 6-7 years. Do not mix wine and tequila. Avoid rooming with anyone named Vlad or Eric. Your junior year—don’t worry; it’s just a strange mole.
Travel/Safety:
Don’t fly—Pan Am flight 103, or TWA flight 800.
No air travel, and steer clear of New York in September of 2001.
Avoid Space Shuttles Challenger or Discovery. (I realize there's not much risk here but by now if all is going according to plan you're a world-famous prophet and visionary, so anything is possible)
Miscellaneous:
By stock in anything related to technology in the late 1990’s. Seriously, anything will do.
Sell you’re your entire stock portfolio in early 2000. This will *seem* like bad advice—But trust me, sell it all.
In a few years you're going to hear about a product called Rogaine—go ahead and start with that right away.
Do not pay money to see any of the following movies: Showgirls, Roadhouse, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, The Stuff, SuperFuzz, Cannonball Run II, White Nights, Cobra, Weekend at Bernie’s, Lambada: The Forbidden Dance, Tron, Highlander 2, Xanadu, Zapped! or Zapped Again.
Whew--That should get us started! Have fun, make us some money, and I’ll hopefully send you another letter next year in 1986.
Best wishes,
Me (you!)
P.S. By the way--Michael Jackson is a pedophile, you will never be beaten at air hockey, O.J. Simpson is going to kill a couple of people but will beat the rap, absolutely nothing happens at the millennium changeover, forget about flying cars (that never happens), and your soulmate will be waiting tables at a pizza place on Arapahoe Rd. in two years. Look for the pony-tail and the cute ass. She’s a sucker for a good dirty joke…
Comments:
<< Home
Pat,
Your letter to yourself had some important tips. Not worrying about your college GPA had me laughing. It's never really come up. Also the films to avoid rang true. nicley said
XOXO from Sitka
Post a Comment
Your letter to yourself had some important tips. Not worrying about your college GPA had me laughing. It's never really come up. Also the films to avoid rang true. nicley said
XOXO from Sitka
# posted by 
: 10:31 PM
: 10:31 PM << Home
