Sunday, March 13, 2005
Cupcake Licking
Men, try to avoid going to the mall.
Announce you're going to the mall and your wife or girlfriend usually wants to go too, right? Since you'd rather gouge your eyes out with a rusty coat hanger than spend 20 minutes browsing the New England Candle Connection, this involves splitting up and meeting at a certain designated location and time. It's a given that you'll forget both the place and time of the rendezvous immediately on your arrival in the massage chair at the Sharper Image store due to your Y chromosome (which controls the ability to recall important things like anniversaries and the correct way bathroom tissue is supposed to unfurl off the roll). You don't want to find yourself in this embarrassing situation:
"Will wife/girlfriend please come to the customer courtesy desk--we have a sad lost man here who forgot what you were wearing. We found him wandering around the food court, but he has no money..."
Here's another good reason to just say no. When a woman turns an unsupervised man loose in public she ordinarily feels the need to lick the cupcake.
Allow me to explain. You're seven and it's time for dinner with the family. Dessert (say, a plate of cupcakes) beckons from the counter, but you've been admonished they are not to be eaten until after the meal. One cupcake is freakishly larger than the others and looks like it has *way* more frosting and is leaning over under the weight of it. When Mom turns her back, your sister pretends to smell the cupcakes but then she sticks her tongue out and drags it over the mega cupcake slowly, sensually, so you get a real good view. Ewww. With that one lick she's laid claim to the cupcake by making it utterly undesirable to anyone else, but with no damage done. Elegant. It's like the A-bomb--The enemy is gone, but the buildings remain standing.
The grown-up relationship equivalent goes something like this.
"Before we split up I want to try this cologne on you SPRITZ. No, I don't like that at all. Maybe SPRITZ this one. No, that's really awful. Okay, well I'll meet you in front of Mrs. Field's in an hour--Bye!"
Now she can shop with confidence knowing that any potential rivals will instinctively recoil in horror within a twenty foot radius of freaky Old Spice man. The cloud of funk around you has the added benefit of keeping you moving to avoid your own stink, so you're unlikely to be in one place long enough for a salesperson to talk you into something involving a plasma screen and revolving credit.
I'm sure this never happens to you. But do think about it the next time you're standing like a dork in the middle of the shoe department holding her purse. You're just a step away from wearing a sign that says "Property of Susan" around your neck.
Howzit feel cupcake?
Frankly fellas, it's just safer to order your jockey shorts online. Although, that can get weird too.
Announce you're going to the mall and your wife or girlfriend usually wants to go too, right? Since you'd rather gouge your eyes out with a rusty coat hanger than spend 20 minutes browsing the New England Candle Connection, this involves splitting up and meeting at a certain designated location and time. It's a given that you'll forget both the place and time of the rendezvous immediately on your arrival in the massage chair at the Sharper Image store due to your Y chromosome (which controls the ability to recall important things like anniversaries and the correct way bathroom tissue is supposed to unfurl off the roll). You don't want to find yourself in this embarrassing situation:
"Will wife/girlfriend please come to the customer courtesy desk--we have a sad lost man here who forgot what you were wearing. We found him wandering around the food court, but he has no money..."
Here's another good reason to just say no. When a woman turns an unsupervised man loose in public she ordinarily feels the need to lick the cupcake.
Allow me to explain. You're seven and it's time for dinner with the family. Dessert (say, a plate of cupcakes) beckons from the counter, but you've been admonished they are not to be eaten until after the meal. One cupcake is freakishly larger than the others and looks like it has *way* more frosting and is leaning over under the weight of it. When Mom turns her back, your sister pretends to smell the cupcakes but then she sticks her tongue out and drags it over the mega cupcake slowly, sensually, so you get a real good view. Ewww. With that one lick she's laid claim to the cupcake by making it utterly undesirable to anyone else, but with no damage done. Elegant. It's like the A-bomb--The enemy is gone, but the buildings remain standing.
The grown-up relationship equivalent goes something like this.
"Before we split up I want to try this cologne on you SPRITZ. No, I don't like that at all. Maybe SPRITZ this one. No, that's really awful. Okay, well I'll meet you in front of Mrs. Field's in an hour--Bye!"
Now she can shop with confidence knowing that any potential rivals will instinctively recoil in horror within a twenty foot radius of freaky Old Spice man. The cloud of funk around you has the added benefit of keeping you moving to avoid your own stink, so you're unlikely to be in one place long enough for a salesperson to talk you into something involving a plasma screen and revolving credit.
I'm sure this never happens to you. But do think about it the next time you're standing like a dork in the middle of the shoe department holding her purse. You're just a step away from wearing a sign that says "Property of Susan" around your neck.
Howzit feel cupcake?
Frankly fellas, it's just safer to order your jockey shorts online. Although, that can get weird too.
Comments:
<< Home
Perhaps you should try my husband's strategy. I took him to the mall once. When the cologne lady approached him, he grabbed me, screamed "No" in a loud, horrified voice, and threw me in front of him like a human shield. Stunned shoppers stood in horror. I ended up smelling like freaky old spice man. Never again. ---CP
Post a Comment
# posted by 
: 1:26 PM
: 1:26 PM 
<< Home
