Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Snap, Crackle, Apocalypse.
And I feel fine...
Just when you least expect it...Armageddon. I didn’t want to have to share this with you unless I was absolutely sure. I’ve been watching the signs for some time, but now it’s clear that the endgame is playing itself out—just as foretold by Bill Bixby in his book, You Wouldn’t Like Me When it’s the Revelation.
I’d like to outline for you the five signs that the end is near...
1. Religious figures are heading home. Have you noticed that Popes seem to die in threes? First there was Paul VI in 1978, then John Paul I also in 1978, and now the cycle is complete with John Paul II in 2005. Veni Vedi Morti.
2. Stars are on the run. They are better connected than you are and therefore you should keep an eye on what they’re doing and follow suit. Recently former Webster star Emmanuel Lewis was stopped in Georgia doing 70 mph in a 45 zone. The little guy almost slipped off his phonebook. Ask yourself this--what was he running from?
3. Wendy’s goes digital. In March, an unlucky diner at a San Jose Wendy’s restaurant got an unwelcome surprise in their chili—a human finger. Just another sign pointing toward the end of days. Call it an “unhappy meal.”
4. Joan Rivers' face has been completely immobilized by plastic surgery. None of her features move but a strange gravelly voice emanates from her mouth hole. Scientists call it, “The Mask of the White Death.”
5. Honey Bunches of Oats. It seems like a benign part of this complete breakfast, but number each of the letters and then rearrange them in this order: 12, 16, 17, 16, 8/6, 7, 3, 8, 5/9. 10, 11, 4, 18, 11/18, 13, 2, 8. Yes, you read correctly. Now it reads “SATAN BUNNY CHEESE SOON.” I don’t think I need to spell it out for you.
Now all that’s left is for the evil triumvirate to assume dominion over all the earth. Danny Bonaduce and Candace Bergen have already merged into one gruesome entity and now they are awaiting their third “Evil Underboss” to complete the metamorphosis.
If you have a God, I recommend you get square with him this week.
Incidentally, have you noticed Carrot Top has been in Rome all week? And, while the footage is grainy, he appears to be missing a finger...
Just when you least expect it...Armageddon. I didn’t want to have to share this with you unless I was absolutely sure. I’ve been watching the signs for some time, but now it’s clear that the endgame is playing itself out—just as foretold by Bill Bixby in his book, You Wouldn’t Like Me When it’s the Revelation.
I’d like to outline for you the five signs that the end is near...
1. Religious figures are heading home. Have you noticed that Popes seem to die in threes? First there was Paul VI in 1978, then John Paul I also in 1978, and now the cycle is complete with John Paul II in 2005. Veni Vedi Morti.
2. Stars are on the run. They are better connected than you are and therefore you should keep an eye on what they’re doing and follow suit. Recently former Webster star Emmanuel Lewis was stopped in Georgia doing 70 mph in a 45 zone. The little guy almost slipped off his phonebook. Ask yourself this--what was he running from?
3. Wendy’s goes digital. In March, an unlucky diner at a San Jose Wendy’s restaurant got an unwelcome surprise in their chili—a human finger. Just another sign pointing toward the end of days. Call it an “unhappy meal.”
4. Joan Rivers' face has been completely immobilized by plastic surgery. None of her features move but a strange gravelly voice emanates from her mouth hole. Scientists call it, “The Mask of the White Death.”
5. Honey Bunches of Oats. It seems like a benign part of this complete breakfast, but number each of the letters and then rearrange them in this order: 12, 16, 17, 16, 8/6, 7, 3, 8, 5/9. 10, 11, 4, 18, 11/18, 13, 2, 8. Yes, you read correctly. Now it reads “SATAN BUNNY CHEESE SOON.” I don’t think I need to spell it out for you.
Now all that’s left is for the evil triumvirate to assume dominion over all the earth. Danny Bonaduce and Candace Bergen have already merged into one gruesome entity and now they are awaiting their third “Evil Underboss” to complete the metamorphosis.
If you have a God, I recommend you get square with him this week.
Incidentally, have you noticed Carrot Top has been in Rome all week? And, while the footage is grainy, he appears to be missing a finger...
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Let's get Harry Belafonte into the studio for a little apocalypso music, Day-O, End of Day-O's... Jesus come and me want to go home.
Love the five signs. Your image of Joan River's pie hole gave me an idea for a novelty item, a Joan mask with an endless river of drivel that can only be shut up by stuffing a keilbasa down her throat. This would sell.
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Love the five signs. Your image of Joan River's pie hole gave me an idea for a novelty item, a Joan mask with an endless river of drivel that can only be shut up by stuffing a keilbasa down her throat. This would sell.
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